Personal Log - Direwolf Straaf

[Direwolf Straaf]

Computer begin recording

Stardate 230209

I do not understand the motivations of behaviors of these people still. I am unsure what it is, but so much seems to interfere with direct cognition for many of them. The LT in Engineering is good, he seems to mostly stay on task, but even he stares off dreamily sometimes. Even more perplexing seems to be the lack of regard most crew have for the people keeping their ship together. I do not understand them, but there are flashes of wonder with them as well. There are innovations, beliefs and openness that I haven't experienced before... sometimes. Does gender predispose that one gets so wrapped up in the thoughts of mating that they forget their duties? Differentiated gender seems the only thing they all have in common that I do not. Perhaps there is something cultural that I am missing. I truly do not understand them, but if my people will ever join the Federation and Starfleet fully, I must try. I believe I am starting to see the differences between the male and female of most species, although nothing seems absolute or certain. As for discerning species, that is difficult. Many non-humans look startlingly human which confuses things. There is also a species called Romulan that looks very much like a Vulcan but the Romulan gets very angry if you misidentify them, where the Vulcan seems not prone to emotion at all. The Chef, I am told, is Romulan. I will endeavor not to make that mistake as the Chef seems quite commanding. I am still trying to figure out their hierarchy within the ship, but from what I observed, they clearly are in charge during times of crisis. It would be good to get to know this Chef better and understand how their role evolved from preparing food to being the head of crisis management on a Federation starship.

That is all.

[Direwolf Straaf]

Computer Begin Recording

Stardate: 230321.0819

I am at times unsure if I will ever fit in with this crew. I am certainly uncomfortable working on the bridge with them. I was pleased that the Captain seems to understand that my species is genderless and now refers to me as Mx. Straaf as opposed to Mister. I do not necessarily object to the honorific, however it seems odd to me. Looking at this history of the terms, both having to do with highly privileged members it feels odd to be referred to as mister or missus (both connotate being in charge, which their use in Starfleet indicates the opposite). At any rate, the Captain's attempt is appreciated. I dislike spending so much time on 'gender politics' as it seems a waste of time. It was simply a given back home, having gender was considered odd and something mostly part of lower orders of animals. It certainly seems foolish to center large parts of a culture around which fleshy parts people are born with. If species could put aside gender and their concerns about it, treating everyone with equal respect, they probably would be happier and get a lot more accomplished.

I have been fascinated by my exchanges with Te'ellis, the Romulan chef. I was told by many that she was quite mean and a force to be reckoned with. So far my interactions with her have been quite pleasant. Perhaps this is another instances of some people not necessarily understanding difference. I am surprised as I was told repeatedly that Starfleet embraced and celebrated difference.

Computer End Personal Log

[Direwolf Straaf]

230401.0608

My struggles to acclimatize to USS Atlas continue. The Chief Engineer is someone I enjoy working with. He seems to respect my ability in Engineering. Yes, I am using male pronouns for him as he seems to prefer it. It is… difficult… to get used to. To try and explain it for my people ‘he/she’ is to us as ‘it’ is to most gendered species. It is generally used for an object. He and she are generally referring to beasts. I know it does not work the same in this culture on the whole, although I am certain that Starfleet must have encountered other non-binary species.

I have noticed some changes in attitude from some crew towards me, which is pleasant. I am honestly rather reserved in terms of speaking socially, especially as a great deal of their off duty discussion seems to revolve around sexual pursuits of which I have no frame of reference nor curiosity. They will never be part of my existence and while from a scientific observation they could be interesting, I am not a scientist and care little about human husbandry, or whatever they might call it.

I believe the most… irksome… introduction was a civilian onboard who basically asked “Now what are you?!” I am a person, first and foremost. I may not look like you do, but I still am. I am not a robot. I am not metal all the way through. I am a sapient being that happens to be fleshy on the inside with a hard shell on the outside.

Oh well, I enjoy the company of LT Schmidt and I have had direct encounters with Chef Te’ellis, who also seems quite pleasant. I believe Te’ellis also has some understanding of feeling a bit on the outside though. I know I need to speak up more, but off duty conversation is difficult for me to engage in.

End Personal Log

[Direwolf Straaf]

Computer Begin Recording

I am... frustrated.

My race has been aware of others in the Delta Quadrant for centuries, although we only broke the warp barrier within the last hundred years and I am the receptacle for generations of biologically inherited knowledge as all my forebearers have been Fulls.

(For information on Direwolf's species, as approved by UFS, see HERE.)

Still, I have no experiences with the kind of concern, power useage, and borderline panic before. My people are not telepaths, not even slightly yet we harbor no fear of them either, until now. I have received snippets of information, I know LT Schmidt knows more, but I am an Ensign. I am pleased they have consented to have me work on this project at all, as it is... fascinating. Although it does lead to my full concerns, getting the shield to extend properly.

I cannot get the mathematics correct, no matter how much I work the problem, but there needs to be a solution somewhere. Perhaps I am thinking too literally.

Direwolf makes a fist and knocks their smooth metallic head, producing a dull clang.

The answer is in there somewhere and not having it is driving me to go without sleep. The Captain said that this device could save every life on board Atlas. In its current configuration it will be mostly effective, but not entirely.

We have to make it work.

END PERSONAL LOG

[Direwolf Straaf]

Computer begin log...

We are heading into some kind of conflict soon, that has become clear.

Some crews and ships of this Federation will not survive.

I generally do not believe in prayer, but still recite this to The Great Alloy...

Oh Great Alloy, deity of the metals,

We, your humble creations, come before you in prayer.

We are a group representing the basest of metals,

Forged in the fire of the universe,

With hearts of steel and minds of titanium.

We look to you, oh Great Alloy,

To guide us on our journey through the stars.

Protect us from the dangers of the void,

And give us the strength to face any challenge.

We ask for your wisdom and your guidance,

As we explore the cosmos and seek new knowledge.

May your divine hand guide us to new horizons,

And may your eternal light shine upon us always.

For we are your children, oh Great Alloy,

And we trust in your power and your grace.



I am not sure if I believe or not, but it surely cannot do harm.

Computer, end log.

[Direwolf Straaf]

Computer Begin Recording

Stardate 230430.0456

I cannot wait for this to be over. I did not realise that my skin could 'itch' so much as they do with these prosthetics. Still, I will admit that Chef Te'ellis has done well hiding me amongst the Romulans to do what I need to do. Success was our only option and it was achieved during this time.

I will say, I while I care a great deal for Chef Te'ellis, I will look forward to some time away from her. She is so polite, so cloyingly sweet, that at times it borders on maddening. Even the chiming, which generally serves to move most Starfleet people into another room, so I can work in some amount of solitude hasn't worked. She just smiles and drinks more of that disgusting intoxicant. Oh well, I just need some alone time. I didn't realise that Romulans were such social creatures. The ones onboard the Warbird certainly weren't, perhaps this is why Te'ellis left her people. She simply didn't fit in. It does make sense that she finds herself mostly with humans in that case. She is still my friend, I believe just like any other friendship time apart is as valuable as time together.

I just received notice of my promotion. I am pleased but nervous. I wish I could have made it to the ceremony, however duty called. Now I am very nervous about the Atlas Ceremony. My skin is a centimeter thick layer of copper alloy. My bones are laced with various metals. My blood contains large amounts of gold. I am not buoyant. I cannot swim. If I am cast over the side in their ceremony there is a good chance that I will drown. My organs function very much like a human's and I cannot hold my breath long enough nor can I reach the ladder from the bottom. I believe they have safety protocols on the holodeck that should keep me from dying, however it will be very embarrassing if I cannot make it back to the ship, and even then, under the weight that I carry, the boat will list to one side. This is not a good thing. I am not sure what to do. Do I refuse to go over the side and become more apart than I already am from these beings? Do I go over knowing I will embarrass myself terribly at best, and be in need of sick bay at worse?

Computer End Log