98 reasons I like Kirk over Picard

Chat away with your fellow officers here! Just don't bring the tribbles in!
Post Reply
User avatar
Greenlantern Excelsior
Command - Fleet Captain
Command - Fleet Captain
Posts: 1271
Joined: 170814.0803
Duty Post: USS Taylorholic Durant
Ship/Station Posted: USS Taylorholic Durant
Grid: Second Life Grid
Location: Sweet Home, Oregon, USA
Has thanked: 112 times
Been thanked: 248 times
Contact:

220922.1525

  1. When Data died, Picard had a funeral. When Spock died, Kirk reconstituted the body, forced its soul back in, and even got him laid along the way.
  2. When Picard senses that Wesley is having emotional problems he sits down and talks with him about it. When Kirk sensed that Charlie X was having emotional problems, he took him to the gym and threw him around on the mats until Charlie got over it.
  3. When Picard went back in time he brought back Data's head. When Kirk went back in time he brought back a blonde scientist.
  4. Picard's Enterprise was destroyed by a couple of Klingon chicks while he was stranded on a desert planet. Kirk's Enterprise was destroyed when he blew up a crew of Klingons, stole their ship, and resurrected Spock from the dead.
  5. Kirk has caused computers to self-destruct by out-thinking them on three separate occasions.
  6. When Picard was in the Academy he got stabbed in the heart. When Kirk was in the Academy he beat the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru scenario and bagged Carol Marcus in his spare time.
  7. When Sisko met Picard he told him he hated him. When Sisko met Kirk he got his autograph.
  8. Kirk does not play the flute.
  9. When Picard has a problem he talks to Guinan about it. When Kirk has a problem he shoots it.
  10. When Kirk screams, it echoes across the entire planet.
  11. When Kirk blew up the Enterprise, Starfleet built him another one and had it ready by the time he got home.
  12. Kirk collects antique guns. Picard collects antique matryoshka nesting dolls.
  13. Kirk chastises omni-powerful super beings for not being polite to women.
  14. Kirk sword fights someone on a regular basis.
  15. Kirk once ordered Scotty to fire a photon torpedo on his position and then he dodged out of the way so it hit the alien he was fighting.
  16. Kirk has a violently deadly disease in his blood but he doesn't let it slow him down.
  17. When it's time for shore leave Kirk goes rock climbing and drinks whiskey. Picard wears a nut smashing banana hammock, Speedos, and reads by the pool.
  18. Picard's name is known and respected throughout Klingon space. Kirk's name is cursed and vilified.
  19. The only Klingon serving on Kirk's bridge would be a dead one.
  20. Kirk jumps horses in his spare time. Picard owns a fish.
  21. Kirk would never allow an "acting Ensign" to lock out his command codes.
  22. Picard quotes Shakespeare for fun. Kirk quotes Shakespeare to intimidate his enemies.
  23. Kirk's jump kick projects 650 pounds of blunt force.
  24. Kirk once made a cannon that shot diamonds.
  25. Kirk defies superior alien beings on an almost daily basis.
  26. When the evil aliens use a stun ray on the crew, Kirk always stays conscious for a minimum of 15 seconds longer than everyone else.
  27. Kirk is on a first name basis with every single admiral in Starfleet.
  28. Kirk once said: "You're the Captain's woman till he says you're not."
  29. When Sarek mind melded with Picard, Picard cried a lot. When Sarek mind melded with Kirk, Kirk decided to hijack the Enterprise and bring Spock back from the dead.
  30. Kirk can shoulder roll at 127 miles per hour.
  31. Picard's engineer wears goofy wrap-around sunglasses. Kirk's engineer wears a kilt and can drink you under the table.
  32. If Picard's engineer has a headache it's because he wore his visor for too long. If Kirk's engineer has a headache it's because he has a hangover.
  33. Kirk looks good in sideburns. Really good.
  34. Picard drinks tea. Kirk drinks Saurian brandy straight from the bottle.
  35. Kirk mocks Federation bureaucrats that he doesn't like and then proves that their aids are Klingon spies, just to make the point.
  36. Kirk once became an Indian god with the power to resurrect the dead.
  37. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
  38. Kirk's love affairs extend not only across space but across time as well.
  39. Kirk's dress uniform does not actually look like a dress.
  40. Kirk looks good in a ripped shirt, and he knows it.
  41. Kirk repopulated the Earth's once extinct humpbacked whale species.
  42. When Picard wants the ship to go faster he calls down to engineering and asks to go faster. When Kirk wants the ship to go faster he sling-shots it around the sun.
  43. When Klingons invaded Picard's Enterprise he carefully neutralized them. When Klingons invaded Kirk's Enterprise he had a massive sword fight with them.
  44. Kirk has fought evil duplicates of himself on numerous occasions, always with screaming involved.
  45. Kirk's greatest nemesis was the genetically superior ruler of over a quarter of the Earth. Picard's greatest nemesis likes to dress like him and occasionally cause inconvenience.
  46. Kirk has punched out at least one member of over three thousand known alien races.
  47. Kirk would never allow his first officer to get more tail than he does.
  48. No matter what world Picard goes to, Kirk was there first and probably has an illegitimate child somewhere on the planet.
  49. Everyone knows the phrase "Beam me up, Scotty!" The phrase, "Energize whenever you are ready, Mr. La Forge," doesn't exactly have the same notoriety.
  50. Picard's first officer is named after a bathroom code.
  51. Kirk once yelled, "No blah-blah-blah! No blah-blah-blah!" and made it sound important.
  52. Kirk's hand phaser is sleek and sexy. Picard's hand phaser looks like a Hoover Dirt Devil.
  53. When Kirk wants to talk to the Enterprise he flips open his communicator dramatically. When Picard wants to talk to the Enterprise he has to tweak his own nipple.
  54. Kirk's youth was spent doing back breaking work on a farm in Iowa. Picard's youth was spent squishing grapes with his toes in France.
  55. Kirk fought the Greek god Apollo. And won.
  56. The women on Picard's ship wear long pants. On Kirk's ship, miniskirts are mandatory.
  57. Kirk's middle name is Tiberius.
  58. It runs in the family: Picard's brother died trapped in a fire. Kirk's brother died fighting swarms of alien invaders.
  59. When Data hijacked the Enterprise, Picard was helpless to stop him. When Spock hijacked the Enterprise Kirk fought him to the death.
  60. Kirk's medical officer prescribes hard liquor as a cure all.
  61. Kirk has heavy calluses on his right index finger from pressing the trigger on his phaser so many times.
  62. When Kirk gets punched in the face he just wipes the blood off his lip and looks at it with a smirk.
  63. Picard once wore formal Klingon robes for a Klingon ceremony. If Kirk ever wore Klingon robes it would be because he took them off a dead Klingon.
  64. Kirk chops his own firewood.
  65. Kirk once led a Mafia take over.
  66. Kirk would have slept with Beverly Crusher by episode two.
  67. In the episode "The Trouble With Tribbles" the tribbles bred at such a fast rate not because of instinct but because they were in Kirk's presence.
  68. When Deanna Troi talks about what she's feeling, Picard listens carefully and thanks her for her input. Kirk would have called it "pillow talk."
  69. The emotional content level of Kirk's speeches is an average of 782 times higher than the level of Picard's speeches. If he's talking about revolution, exploration or diversity, it is 1,089 times higher.
  70. When Picard has an alien delegation on board he invites them to a quiet dinner. When Kirk has an alien delegation on board he gets plowed on Romulan ale.
  71. Kirk is familiar with 20th century slang.
  72. The main computer on Kirk's Enterprise once hit on him.
  73. Kirk faced off against Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral and won.
  74. Picard is a Frenchman with an English accent.
  75. Kirk only requires thirty-two minutes of sleep a day.
  76. Kirk eats multicolored nutrition squares because he's too busy fighting stuff to eat a normal meal.
  77. Kirk destroyed 672 uniform tunics during the Enterprise's first five-year mission.
  78. 347 of those tunics were destroyed during combat with Klingons. The rest were destroyed by various women.
  79. When Picard fought the Borg he got assimilated. When Kirk fought the Borg he blew up their planet.
  80. When Kirk was sent to the prison camp on Rura Penthe he hadn't bathed or changed his clothes in days and was wearing animal carcasses for warmth but Iman still threw herself at him the moment he arrived.
  81. When Abraham Lincoln appeared floating in space in front of the Enterprise, Kirk didn't even blink.
  82. Kirk can break out of any jail cell that is located anywhere in time or space within one hour. Within one half hour if Spock is with him.
  83. When Kirk disguised himself as a Romulan, he stole a cloaking device and used it to escape to Federation space. When Picard disguised himself as a Romulan he ate some soup and then got captured.
  84. 87% of all Klingon opera is about the singer's desire to kill Kirk.
  85. The other 13% of all Klingon opera is about the singer's desire to be killed by Kirk in glorious battle.
  86. Kirk once taught an emotionless female android how to love. Then he broke up with her.
  87. Kirk's evil twin womanized and swilled brandy. Picard's evil twin liked to have his scalp massaged by Ron Perlman.
  88. Even though they haven't existed for hundreds of years, Kirk can still sort of drive a stick shift.
  89. Kirk never dressed in green tights and pretended to be Robin Hood, and if he had, someone would have paid for it.
  90. Even though Kirk often pauses between words, no one ever dares interrupt him.
  91. Kirk went to the center of the universe, met a god and wasn't impressed.
  92. When Kirk says "boldly go," he means it.
  93. "KHHHAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!"
  94. Kirk blatantly disobeys one out of every five Starfleet orders just to remind them who's really minding the store.
  95. Starfleet estimates that the average Klingon has a 36% chance of being killed by Kirk at some point in their lifetime, regardless of their age, profession, location or social status.
  96. Kirk once kicked a Klingon into the molten core of an exploding planet.
  97. Style: Kirk did it first, he did it better and he did it wearing gold velour and Beatle-boots with a space girl on each arm.
  98. Chuck Norris respects Kirk.
Captain Hal Jordan (GreenLantern Excelsior)

Service Jacket

Executive Officer, USS Durant
UFS Blog Coordinator
UFS DJ


Image
User avatar
Cipher Rhode
Marines - Lieutenant Colonel
Marines - Lieutenant Colonel
Posts: 331
Joined: 070705.1927
Duty Post:
Ship/Station Posted: SS Athena
Grid: Second Life
Has thanked: 103 times
Been thanked: 31 times
Contact:

220922.1540

This was very disturbing, thank you.
LtCol Christopher "Cipher" Rhode, UFSMC
Star Trek Online Joint Task Force Commander
United Federation Starfleet

Access Service Jacket
User avatar
Drewski Northman
Command - Captain
Command - Captain
Posts: 537
Joined: 200127.0120
Duty Post: Commanding Officer
Ship/Station Posted: USS Atlas
Grid: 001
Location: US- Midwest
Has thanked: 170 times
Been thanked: 143 times
Contact:

220922.1557

I enjoyed every minute of reading this. Kirk is the GOAT. Curious what 15 and 16 were about though.
In Service,

Captain Drewski Northman
CO, USS Atlas NCC 74138
User avatar
Penney Lancaster
Marines - Brigadier General
Marines - Brigadier General
Posts: 283
Joined: 110202.0919
Duty Post: UFSMC Commandant
Ship/Station Posted: HQ
Grid: Unknown
Location: Mississippi
Been thanked: 5 times
Contact:

220922.1618

All I got out of that is Kirk proves the debate that there are marines in the trek universe once and for all.
User avatar
Greenlantern Excelsior
Command - Fleet Captain
Command - Fleet Captain
Posts: 1271
Joined: 170814.0803
Duty Post: USS Taylorholic Durant
Ship/Station Posted: USS Taylorholic Durant
Grid: Second Life Grid
Location: Sweet Home, Oregon, USA
Has thanked: 112 times
Been thanked: 248 times
Contact:

220922.1635

Drewski Northman wrote:
220922.1557
I enjoyed every minute of reading this. Kirk is the GOAT. Curious what 15 and 16 were about though.
I wasn't sure about 44 or 59 either. But I didn't write it.

Kirk didn't have Marines and he didn't need any. He had lots of tough-as-nails redshirt officers to handle any combat that was necessary. And they didn't even need to be Security officers, because all of Kirk's crew knew how to handle themselves. Like Yeoman Tamura.


Image
Captain Hal Jordan (GreenLantern Excelsior)

Service Jacket

Executive Officer, USS Durant
UFS Blog Coordinator
UFS DJ


Image
User avatar
Lizzy Gracemount
Emissary
Posts: 550
Joined: 160518.1957
Duty Post: Chose to Resign 240129
Ship/Station Posted:
Grid: 001 Second Life
Location: Idaho
Has thanked: 208 times
Been thanked: 212 times
Contact:

220922.1719

Greenlantern Excelsior wrote:
220922.1635
Drewski Northman wrote:
220922.1557
I enjoyed every minute of reading this. Kirk is the GOAT. Curious what 15 and 16 were about though.
I wasn't sure about 44 or 59 either. But I didn't write it.

Kirk didn't have Marines and he didn't need any. He had lots of tough-as-nails redshirt officers to handle any combat that was necessary. And they didn't even need to be Security officers, because all of Kirk's crew knew how to handle themselves. Like Yeoman Tamura.


Image
They missed that Picard has his own saddle in number 20. That's how he got stuck on the Enterprise during the Barium sweep. He had returned to the ship because he had decided to "do a spot of riding" and said only a serious rider would have his own saddle, even on a ship. One of my favorite episodes, even if I forgot the name of it at this moment. :P
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” —Bob Marley

"Set course for Relay, Warp Factor 9!" ~ Kermie

“A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.” –Dr. Boyce, “The Menagerie,” (“The Cage”)

“Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.” – Mr. Spock, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
User avatar
Greenlantern Excelsior
Command - Fleet Captain
Command - Fleet Captain
Posts: 1271
Joined: 170814.0803
Duty Post: USS Taylorholic Durant
Ship/Station Posted: USS Taylorholic Durant
Grid: Second Life Grid
Location: Sweet Home, Oregon, USA
Has thanked: 112 times
Been thanked: 248 times
Contact:

220922.1747

Lizzy Gracemount wrote:
220922.1719
One of my favorite episodes, even if I forgot the name of it at this moment. :P
Starship Mine
Captain Hal Jordan (GreenLantern Excelsior)

Service Jacket

Executive Officer, USS Durant
UFS Blog Coordinator
UFS DJ


Image
User avatar
Lizzy Gracemount
Emissary
Posts: 550
Joined: 160518.1957
Duty Post: Chose to Resign 240129
Ship/Station Posted:
Grid: 001 Second Life
Location: Idaho
Has thanked: 208 times
Been thanked: 212 times
Contact:

220923.0520

Greenlantern Excelsior wrote:
220922.1747
Lizzy Gracemount wrote:
220922.1719
One of my favorite episodes, even if I forgot the name of it at this moment. :P
Starship Mine
Oh yeah, that's the one! I remember it so much because Data was learning how to interact socially with people and he was "mimicking" this guy...funny stuff there
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” —Bob Marley

"Set course for Relay, Warp Factor 9!" ~ Kermie

“A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.” –Dr. Boyce, “The Menagerie,” (“The Cage”)

“Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.” – Mr. Spock, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
User avatar
Kinney Randt
Command - Vice Admiral
Command - Vice Admiral
Posts: 1614
Joined: 080116.2216
Duty Post: Commanding Officer - USS Veracruz
Ship/Station Posted:
Grid:
Location: Hartland, VT
Has thanked: 3 times
Been thanked: 19 times
Contact:

220924.0454

Drewski Northman wrote:
220922.1557
I enjoyed every minute of reading this. Kirk is the GOAT. Curious what 15 and 16 were about though.
# 15 - Kirk had the Enterprise fire a photon torpedo at the end of Star Trek V to escape "God". He also has the ship fire phasers to destroy Apollo's temple.

#16 - The blood disease was from "The Mark of Gideon", where they used his blood to create an illness to kill some people from their heavily over-populated planet.
Image
User avatar
Kinney Randt
Command - Vice Admiral
Command - Vice Admiral
Posts: 1614
Joined: 080116.2216
Duty Post: Commanding Officer - USS Veracruz
Ship/Station Posted:
Grid:
Location: Hartland, VT
Has thanked: 3 times
Been thanked: 19 times
Contact:

220924.0502

Greenlantern Excelsior wrote:
220922.1635


I wasn't sure about 44 or 59 either. But I didn't write it.


#44 - Kirk fought "himself" in "The Enemy Within" after a transporter duplicate, and in "Whom Gods Destroy" when Capt Garth imitated him. He also fought "himself" while escaping the Klingon prison in Star Trek VI

#59 - Kirk fought Spock to the death after Spock hijacked the Enterprise and ordered it to Vulcan to meet T'Pring in "Amok Time"
Image
User avatar
Drewski Northman
Command - Captain
Command - Captain
Posts: 537
Joined: 200127.0120
Duty Post: Commanding Officer
Ship/Station Posted: USS Atlas
Grid: 001
Location: US- Midwest
Has thanked: 170 times
Been thanked: 143 times
Contact:

220924.0651

Greenlantern Excelsior wrote:
220922.1747
Lizzy Gracemount wrote:
220922.1719
One of my favorite episodes, even if I forgot the name of it at this moment. :P
Starship Mine
AKA: Die Hard…..IN SPAAAAAAAACE
In Service,

Captain Drewski Northman
CO, USS Atlas NCC 74138
User avatar
Lizzy Gracemount
Emissary
Posts: 550
Joined: 160518.1957
Duty Post: Chose to Resign 240129
Ship/Station Posted:
Grid: 001 Second Life
Location: Idaho
Has thanked: 208 times
Been thanked: 212 times
Contact:

220924.0910

Drewski Northman wrote:
220924.0651
Greenlantern Excelsior wrote:
220922.1747
Lizzy Gracemount wrote:
220922.1719
One of my favorite episodes, even if I forgot the name of it at this moment. :P
Starship Mine
AKA: Die Hard…..IN SPAAAAAAAACE
Bada** and hilarious....
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” —Bob Marley

"Set course for Relay, Warp Factor 9!" ~ Kermie

“A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.” –Dr. Boyce, “The Menagerie,” (“The Cage”)

“Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.” – Mr. Spock, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Post Reply

Return to “Quarks Bar”